Dirty Little Secrets
by Amanda.Tavares
Summary: Bleach Characters confess all! And we will find out what's really going on between Soi Fon and Yoruichi. Hilarious must read. Leave me a comment and let me know who's dirty little secret you'd like to hear!


"Ok is the camera adjusted the right way, we need to get a full portrait shot."

"AAAAAAhhhh AAAAAhhhh AAAAAhhhhh."

"Who is doing that?"

"Oh that was me."

"Why are you doing that Soi Fon?"

"I'm practicing my bravado."

"You know you can't make loud sounds like that when we're setting up. You have a mike attacked to your jacket so all that sound really resonates on camera. It's kind of over powering."

"Well I've been in this fucking studio for five fucking hours! Can't do a Goddamn thing. All you fuckers are running around like little assholes, and you know everyone is sucking the tit. But no one sits you down and says CUT THE SHIT!"

"Ok Soi Fon on a level from one to shit faced, exactly how drunk are you?"

"Ummm maybe like a six?"

"Ok because when you came in earlier you said you were at an eight. So do you think you're maybe getting a little fussy because it's wearing off?"

Soi Fon stroked her chin.

"Yeah I think I am a little fussy because of that, I'm sorry."

"Well one of the points of you being here today is for you to be under the influence. That's actually one of the main reasons why we're filming this. So would you like some more? Would that make you feel better?"

"Yeah umm I'd like that."

"Ok so we obviously we have sake, but we also have a couple different flavors of vodka, and some rum. What do you want?"

"Do you have the uh vanilla vodka?"

"Yes we have that, you like this with the coke right? Just the regular coke?"

"Yeah that's what I like, it's called a stolle."

"Ok we'll get this guy to fix it up for you."

"How many more minutes?"

"Five more minutes."

"That's too long."

"No it's not Soi Fon."

"You know what this is fucking hog shit!"

"Soi Fon you're not getting your drink until you settle down. We understand you're a little fussy, but we're trying to help you out. Can you just settle down and have the drink?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry."

"Ok now you feel better?"

"Yeah I'm fine, it tastes good."

"Ok now that we have you set we're going to roll in three minutes alright?"

"How should I look into the camera?"

"What exactly do you mean?"

"Well I feel like my sexiness kind of overpowers the camera."

"Ok can we get lights on Soi Fon please, we're going to start rolling.

CUT

* * *

"Ok we have the camera rolling?"

"Lights are on, mike check, camera rolling!"

"Ok well hello Lieutenant Hinamori, we are now on and rolling."

"Oh it's ok you can call me Momo, that's my name."

"Alright then Momo why don't you tell me a little about your night."

"Well went drinking with the girls, pretty fun. I'm a little tipsy."

"Yes I can see that, and we've made you a drink. Vodka cranberry correct?"

Momo sipped her drink.

"Yeah good drink, you have to be careful with that one though."

"And why's that?"

"That's how Toshiro was born."

"Vodka cranberry? Seriously? That's how he was born."

She took another sip.

"I'm not joking. His mother told him when he was like eight."

"So was that your secret?"

"Oh no no. I'm just stating the fact."

"Alright so getting deeper, the reason why we're all here, alcohol and secrets. So lay it on us."

"Okay well I got something. I'm just going to throw it out there. When I was growing up with Toshiro I used to steal his things and sell them to other people for money."

"Wow. Did he ever find out about this?"

"No, it was actually quite annoying I'd steal his pants. Then he'd buy them again. Then I'd just steal them again. And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, why do you like those pants so fucking much?"

"So was this the only time you did something like this?"

"No not at all! When I became a lieutenant I used to steal Aizen's glasses from him."

"Would you give them back?"

"No he kept on getting new pairs and I'd just keep stealing them. And now several years later we find out he doesn't even wear glasses."

"That literally makes no sense."

"So here I am without a captain. I have seven pairs of Aizen glasses in my bathroom, and the guy doesn't even wear glasses. So you tell me what the real crime is!"

"Ok we're gonna cut there!"

* * *

CUT

"Oooooohhhh heyyy, is the camera looking at me? Heloooo Mwah!

"Well Rangiku, the camera doesn't look at you it actually just films you."

"Oh haha that's hilarious!"

"Is it?"

"I'm sorry I've had sooooo much sake, everything is just so funny to me."

"Apparently."

"So what are we doing again?"

"Well we are here for you, all you have to do is just tell us what's been on your mind."

"Oooooohhhh hahahaha, I've got it!"

"Alright lay it on us."

"No really this is some serious mother fucking shit!"

"Ok well you don't have to get angry but we're listening."

"So like four months ago I walked in on the Captain."

"He was in the shower?"

"No he was in his office, touching himself.

"Is he even old enough to do that?"

"I guess he is."

"So I imagined that this upset you?"

"That wasn't what upset me."

"There was something else?"

"When he was doing it, h-he s-said my name. Over and over."

"So this was upsetting to you?"

"Actually I thought it was really hot!"

"So you want to-, you want to-, with him?"

"Oh absolutely I think about it all the time!"

"I'm speechless."

"WAIT! Does that mean I'm a pedophile?"

"Alright we're gonna cut it there."

CUT

* * *

"Alright Byakuya are you comfortable?"

"This chair is suitable."

"Good to hear! Now can you tell us how much you've had to drink tonight?"

"Enough."

"Ok I thought it was clear that you were suppose to loosen up."

"I am loose."

"Byakuya I don't know if you heard what the producer told you but it was clear that you were supposed to loosen up and tell us something good. Now if you can't do that, then we can't make this happen."

"No….I'll talk. I have something."

"Lay it on us."

"Ok well whenever my sister is gone I go to her room and I play with her dolls."

"You mean her chappy bunnies?"

"Yes."

"She has no idea you do this?"

"No."

"And what intrigues you about these toys? I mean coming from the standing point as a grown man?"

"I named them."

"What did you name them?"

"Sir Robert Nelson, and Missy bubbles."

"And what do you guys do with each other?"

"We play games together."

"What kinds of games?"

"Hide and seek."

"Do they ever find you Byakuya?"

Byakuya looked down. "No."

"Is something wrong Byakuya?"

"It's play time."

"Hey Byakuya where are you going? You can't- Ok well fuck that he left stop the camera."

CUT

* * *

"Ok Ikakku we pulled you next because you had something you really needed to get off your chest."

"Yeah it's kind of hard to talk about for me."

"Alright well we're all ears."

"Well I'm actually bald. I tell people that I shave my head, but it's a lie."

"Do the carpets match the drapes?"

"You know what? Fuck you man!"

CUT

* * *

"Are you satisfied Yumichika?"

"Yeah they did a great job in the hair and make up.

"So what do you have for us today?"

"I feel like an asshole."

"And why is that?"

"I use make up that is tested on animals."

"Look I'm sorry to upset you but we don't give a shit about that."

"YOU SHOULD! You should give a shit!"

CUT

* * *

"So what's on your mind Renji?"

"It's actually kind of a big deal.

"Really?"

"Yeah I could lose my job."

"Just get it off your chest."

"I cheated on the Soul Reaper exam, and now I'm a Vice Captain."

"Who's test did you cheat off of?"

"Rukia's"

CUT

* * *

"You look a little nervous Ichigo. Do you want something else to drink?"

"No thanks I've had enough."

"What would you like to talk about?"

"Well I have this burning desire to reproduce right now."

"It's called baby fever, it's natural to experience urges like this. It's laws of nature."

"I guess you could say that."

"But there's something else right?"

"I want to reproduce with Rukia soooooo fucking bad! I want to have lots of ginger babies!"

"Does she want to be with you?"

"I don't think so. It's a secret that's why I'm talking about it with you."

"So she has no idea how you feel?"

"Well no. But I'm trying to find out a way for her to have my baby without her knowing."

"And how exactly are you going to make that happen?"

"I googled it."

"And what did google say?"

"It said something about Ruffalin."

"Ruffalin? You mean the date rape drug?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The drug that rapists use its called Ruffalin."

"That's what it's for?"

"What did you think it was for?"

"I thought if she just took it, she would have my baby."

"You took a health class in high school right?"

"What's that now?"

CUT

* * *

"Alright. Alright. Let's have a cheers!"

"What's the cheers to Soi Fon?"

"Umm well I kind of forgot."

"How about a cheers to the Soul Society?"

"No way! The Soul Society fucking sucks!"

"You know as a Captain I don't think you should say things like that."

"Say what exactly? It's true! This place is fucking hog shit!"

"Ok Soi Fon we're going to move on. So is there anything you'd like to tell us tonight?"

(Chugs a shot and throws it)

"Yeah I'll tell you something. Guess what? I steal women's underwear after I have sex with them. BOOM! Suck on that bitches."

"Wow. So how long exactly have you been doing this?"

"I don't know. Probably a long as I've been having sex."

"Well how long have you been having sex?"

"Do you know how long I've been alive? Seriously man, I can't remember that."

"Well you actually haven't been alive that long, compared to a lot of people we're interviewing."

"So what's your point exactly?"

"My point is that your memory should be a little more clear."

"Look what exactly do you want me to say? I drink a bottle of vodka every day. And I also add like 12 beers on top of that as well. I've been doing that ever since Yoruichi left. I can't remember a large portion of my life."

"Umm that's a lot of alcohol."

"On top of that I also do at least four lines of coke everyday by lunch time."

"You do cocaine every day?"

(Stands up and starts to strip off clothes)

"Hey you know what, you need to sit down and put your clothes back on!"

"Look at this! Fucking look at this! Do you think this was an accident? People aren't naturally this skinny. How can people not know that I do coke everyday?"

"Do you think you need help or something?"

"YOU NEED HELP MAN!"

CUT

* * *

"Ugh that light is really bright."

"I'm sorry we can turn it down."

"Ok thanks."

"Is that better Yoruichi?"

"Yeah it is. I'm sorry, I'm just really sensitive to light right now.

"No that's totally fine."

"Ok I'm supposed to say something right?"

"Yeah whenever you're ready just go ahead."

"Well alright. See the thing is I'm actually black, but I lie about it and I say that I'm not."

"Why would you lie about something like that?"

"I'm not sure really."

"Are you ashamed to be black?"

"Honestly I can't tell you if I am or if I'm not. Because the whole thing really perplexes me. But Soi Fon asks me if I'm black every day and every time I lie about it. I think she's onto me."

"So is the Shihouin clan black?"

"No we're white."

"Ok Yoruichi do you see how that doesn't make sense? You said you were black but you said your family members were white."

"I know it doesn't, someone has been lying. I don't know what the fuck is going on! Someone is seriously fucking with me I'm convinced! There is a mass conspiracy going on and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!"

"A conspiracy about what?"

(whispers)"Sabotage."

"You think someone is sabotaging you?"

"I've said too much."

(Stands up and starts to pace)

"Hey Yoruichi you're not in the shot, can you sit down again please?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

"Why are you yelling is something wrong?"

"SERIOUSLY MAN WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

"Yoruichi have you taken drugs tonight?"

"Someone gave me aspirin."

"Honey I don't think that was aspirin."

"OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!"

"Seriously what's happening to you?"

"Why is my hair this color? This is not real! This makes no sense!"

"Ok Yoruichi you're really losing it right now. Do you want us to call Soi Fon to take you home?"

"You didn't hear what happened to Soi Fon?"

"Did something happen to her? We just talked to her a minute ago."

"Shot in the ass, we had a funeral for a bird. You missed the whole thing!"

"I'm pretty sure none of that is real."

"YOU'RE NOT REAL MAN!"

CUT

* * *

**As we continue we'll find out what's really going on between Soi Fon and Yoruichi! I'm going to make this a you choose fic. Leave me a comment and let me know who's confession you'd like to hear! There are plenty of characters left!**

**R&R**


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